..::..Love it or leave it..::..

Hey~

So, I now know the true meaning behind, 'everything happens for a reason'. I have found the most perfect and wonderful family to work for. Their daughter is amazing, beautiful and fun, the parents are awesome and I feel 100% comfortable with them, and they feel the same with me. I just feel like its meant to be, and that I've gone through all these shitty families and crappy jobs, and quit them or got fired, all for this reason. The Halls. I couldnt ask for a better situation and I look forward to working everyday...which I've never experienced. They've helped me in ways that no other family or employer has, and I've only been with them for a week. I can't wait to see how close we will all become.

Life is finally looking up for me, slowly but surely...its coming along. I have found the job I love, I am starting school in less than a week, I am so so so in love with my boyfriend, we are taking a trip this weekend with his friends and I'm really excited. I really wanted to get out this weekend, since it will be the first year Ken and I haven't taken a Labor Day vacation since we first started dating. I can't take life for granted anymore...I just can't. I make mistakes and I get in arguments with people that I shouldnt fight with...but we all move on, apologize and get over it. Theres this spot that I drive past every day, on I-75, where a 19 year old girl was killed in a car accident, and every time I drive past that spot, I wanna pull over and just sit there and cry, but I'm scared because of the rush of traffic. I just see that, as a sign that life ends in the blink of an eye, and I may not have a tomorrow or a week from now, so why not live life to the fullest and be happy with what I have in front of me, instead of trying so hard to achieve perfection. Im happy with where I'm at, who i know and what I've done....theres nothing else that I need to change and/or work on.

I love my life!!!

So ironic...

I start the day with a phone call that lasts over an hour with somebody that I care about more than I should...and I end the day with stupid messages from somebody that I probably shouldnt have been friends with in the first place.

Its funny to me, how life works...you grow up...you accept responsibility for the things that happen in your life, you get hurt, you fall in love, you lose people that mean more to you than anybody could ever understand...its like this circle...neverending.No matter how hard I try, I dont think I'll ever get out of it. Somedays I'm happy, other days I'm confused and angry, most days I'm just content and happy Im alive and here to complain about all this.

I have the most wonderful boyfriend in the entire world. He doesnt spoil me, doesnt buy me things, doesnt surprise me and he flat out honest with me no matter what. I dont want to be spoiled, because then I will come to expect it and live a life of expectations in love. I will marry him. Hopefully sooner, than later. And I cant wait for that day.

I have a family who loves me and worries about me...a little too much. My dad is more selfish than he has ever been and I think only now am I getting it, because I'm old enough to understand what being selfish as an adult means. He has a new life and a new family to take care of and not enough time for me, his only daughter. I wonder if he will have time to walk me down the aisle on my wedding day...he'll prolly be there but attached to his cell phone and complaining the whole time..awesome.

I miss my past. When I used to basically live at Bretts house, or Allisons house, or Aunt Lynns house...and none of us had to worry about arguments, bills, or deaths of our friends or family. When some of us didnt have to care about people our age having alcohol addictions or drug addictions, or in jail or homeless...who would think we would have to face these issues at such a young age. Life hit me so fast..and if I dont keep up and I dont feel like I'm impressing every person that I'm surrounded by...then it means nothing to me.

I start school in less than 3 weeks and I couldnt be more excited...I'm doing this for me, and i'll be getting those A's for my family and friends that think Im wasting my time...

I can't wait.

So, I've decided to start this up again...for real.

I tried to start a hand written journal but Im just to lazy for that and not so creative, because I wanted it to be all cool like..and its just not. Lol.

I'm just gonna go with this, and hopefully in 5 years, Livejournal will still be around and I can come back and laugh at all the bullshit in my life at this time.

Which I should just be doing now...but thats not how its supposed to be is it now?

Well, I'm really tired and sore from training at the gym, so I just wanted to get in a little hello! I will write more about my oh so dramatic life when I have more focus...

Choos.

wow...

livejournal...i havent been on here in what seems like forever, but it seemed to always help when i would jus sit here listening to sad music and typing everything and anything that came to my mind...of course, if anybody reads this anymore, it'll prolly start drama...yes..its still going on...and honestly i really dont care...

im still in the same position as i was last time i updated...things are shitty..lol. it seems as tho they are never going to get better..i sit and i think about all the stuff taht i need to take care of and it breaks me down to tears...then i wake up the next morning, settle down and take it one step at a time...things will get taken care of, things will get settled...life is not all that difficult when u look at the big picture of things...

im still madly in love with ken...we are no longer together, but my heart will always always belong to him, no matter what...now is not the time for us to be together, and i think we've both realized that, we both see..well at least me for sure, that we cant handle what was happening to us, so we let it go...and i wanna work on the friendship with him before anything else happens...i still see my self marrying him and my family will always adore him, but theres other things that we need to take care of in our lives right now...and i'm completely ok with that.

as for all the other people in that group of friends,they can screw themselves...theres a select couple that im fine with bc im starting to realize they are the real friends who actually admit to talking shit behind my back..the others jus blame it on somebody else, or lie about it...im done with that all. Hows that being a friend at all? To anybody...look in the mirror for once, its not about how much u spend on somebody or how much effort u put into helping them...when somebody tells u something in confidence, and u go and let the whole world know when it has absolutely NOTHING to do with them...its gonna piss a couple people off and ur gonna lose that trust that u had...

ur loss. i really dont care.

moving on.

i really dont have much else to say.

Justin. A good person. Made me happy for a short period of time and taught me and is still teaching me a lot of lessons. i wanna cry at the mention of his name bc he has affected me so much, but I have to let go. It wasn't going to go anywhere good and I wasnt about to let him risk it all. I thank God for putting him in my life tho. It was definitely something i needed.

ok thats all. im done.

Not to sure what this entry is gonna be about, but i've been in this weird state of mind for about a week now, and i just cant seem to settle my thoughts...

im at a halt with so many things in my life...my relationship, my faith, my job, my friendships, my family..everything. Its something i've tried to push aside and just deal with, but at some points during my day or my week, i feel like i dont want to be part of any of it anymore, i want a brand new life, bc nothing in my life right now makes me happy...

i'm not depressed. to say the least. i'm just sick of the same old things, the same arguments, the same mistakes, lies and excuses, the ritual of things at my job, the not having anybody to really and truly turn to, and feeling like i'm still not good enough for my family. I just wanna be good enough. I feel like thats my whole point in life, is just to impress my brother and my mom...and to actually be that girl that kenny fell in love with two years ago..not the girl he needs to lie to, or cheat on just bc hes afraid of what may come...

i've put myself in situations i cant get myself out of, i've never once thought of moving away from certain things, but i'm stuck with as to where i wanna go with this one...im so torn, bc i'm so hurt by some of the things that happen or have happened and i dunno if it will ever change.

why cant i just bring myself to walk away from the pain and the hurt? and give myself better...bc i know its not impossible to find. and i will make it through.

i've hit rock bottom before, i'm not gonna go back there, and i'm nowhere near that point now, but i feel like if i give up certain things that i will hit it hard and have nobody there to pick me up...do i really need somebody to pull me up tho? i'm 22 years old, i've made it through most of my life on my own, with little help from my parents, and disapproval from my brother...sooo whats the difference now?

blah, i need to go to bed.

Soo...

It's been awhile. But i've had a weird few days...just been thinking alot.

I had two weeks off of work and it was really nice. I stayed with Kenny the whole time and we had a really good time, we argued, which was expected, but we had good endings. We talked through a lot of stuff, and it was just nice. I love him so much...its rediculous.

After new years, which wasn't all that great...and a few other random events of the past year, i've come to realize something, that in one way, isnt as bad as i make it sound, but also just sucks to realize. During the past year or so, i've left a lot of my friends behind, bc of disagreements, or the realization that if i keep a certain person around, i won't ever get outta this 'drama phase' in my life. Not saying that anybody specific ever caused anything, but some of the people i was with, we just didn't click as good friends and i couldnt handle it anymore. Some friends just stopped talking to me, for whatever reason, and i wasn't ever that sad, right now i'm not even that sad, but when i took a step back after new years, i realized, i no longer have anybody. I have Ken. Which i will never complain about, hes the best friend anybody could ever have...but I have like three good friends that are always there for the phone calls at 2 am, or the million text messages a day without complaint...i no longer get a phone call from ten different people in one day, wanting to do something or wanting to see whats going on...

Its shitty. But also, i have to look at it like Tyler explained it, i dont work at a place where i can hang with my coworkers, i'm 22 and not in high school anymore, i'm kinda happy to say that i dont hang out with every single person i hung out with in high school, bc i wouldnt feel like i was getting anywhere in my life, no offense to those that do that, but if i was still stuck in rochester, i'd be miserable. I know it. So i guess in exchange for friends, i took the moving up and out choice...i was jus sad yesterday bc i feel like the people that i thought i was close with over the past year or so, want absolutely nothing to do with me. Which i dont get. I've done nothing but want to hang or want to do dinner or have a sleepover...

I really dont know...just dont get it.

Everything else besides that is great. Ken and i are good. Obviously u know that already. My job is going awesome. I love it to death. I'm getting another new phone shortly. I'll give u the number if i want to. lol.
Cut my hair all off...short. FAmilys good. Christmas was ok. Valentines day is coming up and i'm very excited!!

Thats all. Love u bye.

Entry filled with great news...sooo here we go!

My birthday is tomorrow!!

I'm moving to Bloomfield Hills!!

I'm getting a brand new car!!!

I'm getting a new cell phone! (if i love you, u'll get the number!)

I'm throwing away half my life today...thats a good thing. Believe me.

It's snowing outside! Lame for October, but i love it when it first snows! Sooo pretty!

Oook...so i'm selling a lot of my stuff. I have a kitchen table, with 4 chairs, wooden, in real good shape, a queen size bed, brand new, barely slept in, a desk, cd player....anything...ask me, i prolly have it and want to get rid of it!

Thats all..i'm gonna go start packing!

My life is about to change....in a big big way.

Strange how some things fall into place, when you really didn't even want them to happen...strange how some people dont even realize the hurt they are causing bc they, themselves are getting so much pleasure...i will never understand those people who won't open their hearts, or even their minds, to let the 'real' set in, or the people who are out there and don't care about anybody elses situation or problems and as long as they are having fun and getting what they want...they are perfectly content.

Lots of stuff...i'm so frustrated lately, i really need to go to Arizona...the phone calls are getting to be not enough for me....for the first time in a long time, i really feel like i just need to get out of here, yes, i am wanting to get away from some things, but i also just need to get out, i feel like this place is closing in on me and if i dont get out soon, i will go crazy...and i dont want that, bc bad things come from my frustrations.

I get to go to Ann Arbor this weekend tho, thats the closest i'm getting to getting out of here, but i'll be with friends so i'm excited.

My birthday is in one week...excited and not..bc i have no idea what we are doing and if it turns into this big dramatic thing, i will flip...i get to celebrate with paul and those friends tonite, i'm excited!

I dunno i just needed to get a few things off my chest...i dont have much else to say...

don't really care who reads this, not a lot of people are into this thing anymore so i'm not sure anybody really will take the time to read through it...i'll warn you tho, it's just me bitching and if u are one of my friends that i may talk about, don't take any offense to it, i'm just sick of holding it all in my head..i hold no grudges..and am not angry...well at some people...

im sick of work. i hate to say it, but i just feel like im not gonna ever get anywhere with that job...i dont even wanna admit it bc then i feel like im failing myself again...i love actually being with the people i work with and i really do enjoy the work i'm doing, but my entire life, or well at least every job i've ever worked, i've always told myself that if im not happy i should find a job that i will be happy at. so that i did. yes, i've worked at more then a few places but why work somewhere if u absolutely hate it? im not about to drown myself in hours of work a week or day when i absolutely despise what i'm doing...theres just not a point..other then bringing urself down and setting urself up for a miserable future...
Not saying that my work isnt a place where you cant move up, there is a lot of potential for careers there and good money, but i just feel like ive been stuck in what i'm doing for to long and if i dont see any progression, then what the hell is the point of being there...ya know?

lisa, rolee and the baby left...i drove past their house today and the curtains are gone and nothing of theres is left in the yard...i literally feel really sad about it...something about that family that really clicked with me, i felt like i could be myself with them...lisa was like an older sister to me and i didnt realize it til to late in our friendship that i missed out...just because i watched their kid every day doesnt mean that i cant open up to them, and the more i thought about that i realized that i really did tell her everything, every little story about my fights with my boyfriend, or the drama with my family or problems with my friends...everrrything...and now shes gone. it sucks. nobody will get that but me...but it really does suck.

mackinaw was a ok...not at all what i thought it'd be like..so completely different from last year bc i didnt have that feeling that i needed to impress him...but that just gave me more reason to make it ok that we fight....granted we did have good talks and things were let out that have taken quite some time for even the two of us to just talk about..but still...things just arent the same anymore...

things with that...i hurt all the time, i cry a lot..i get angry a lot...i worry a lot...i dont understand what its goin to take to settle down, realize this is a serious thing, and any little thing could hurt me or break it...and it sucks..i dont wanna say certain things, but i see things that nobody knows about or that they might think that they get away with but i'm not dumb, my eyes are open all the time, i hurt bc of that, i dont understand why i feel like i will never be good enough..i never hear it, i never feel it..i dont understand..unless i ask for it, its like it will never be there, all that was lost three years ago and i hate that...so much...soooo so much...why we can't jus go back to what it was..or move on together.

i feel like i dont wanna be around some certain people anymore, or i dont ever wanna see their face or see their name on the caller id, i'm sick of immature people just acting like they are the only ones in the world, and act like they can get that love back that THEY threw away, i feel like their only goal is to make me feel like shit, well guess what its working...just leave us alone. i dont care who you are or were...

i really miss kevin. thats the only name i'm throwing out in this entry...kevin..kevin..kevin. i cant get him out of my damn mind, its driving me literally nuts..i cant sleep at nite, i dont like to be alone at nite bc i always think he is there, i dotn know why that would be a bad thing, but its really starting to take a toll on me...a big one. its been 6 monthes...god damn.

i wish i could get away by myself and just empty everything out. florida is really calling my name and i think im gonna go in oct.

maybe even be gone for my birthday...not a big deal anyway.

its weird bc im not depressed..just sick of how things are goin lately, im happy, at times and get along with life fine...i just get these moods where all i want to do is ignore everybody or at least pray to have the will power to ignore everybody...even the ones i love the most and just be by myself and try to deal..but i can't seem to do that, i love my friends to much and part of me doesnt wanna accept it so just go out and have fun...not that its some big deal anyway...or some life crisis that needs to be handled riht away..but still..i dont wanna worry like this anymore...