..::..Love it or leave it..::..

Hey~

So, I now know the true meaning behind, 'everything happens for a reason'. I have found the most perfect and wonderful family to work for. Their daughter is amazing, beautiful and fun, the parents are awesome and I feel 100% comfortable with them, and they feel the same with me. I just feel like its meant to be, and that I've gone through all these shitty families and crappy jobs, and quit them or got fired, all for this reason. The Halls. I couldnt ask for a better situation and I look forward to working everyday...which I've never experienced. They've helped me in ways that no other family or employer has, and I've only been with them for a week. I can't wait to see how close we will all become.

Life is finally looking up for me, slowly but surely...its coming along. I have found the job I love, I am starting school in less than a week, I am so so so in love with my boyfriend, we are taking a trip this weekend with his friends and I'm really excited. I really wanted to get out this weekend, since it will be the first year Ken and I haven't taken a Labor Day vacation since we first started dating. I can't take life for granted anymore...I just can't. I make mistakes and I get in arguments with people that I shouldnt fight with...but we all move on, apologize and get over it. Theres this spot that I drive past every day, on I-75, where a 19 year old girl was killed in a car accident, and every time I drive past that spot, I wanna pull over and just sit there and cry, but I'm scared because of the rush of traffic. I just see that, as a sign that life ends in the blink of an eye, and I may not have a tomorrow or a week from now, so why not live life to the fullest and be happy with what I have in front of me, instead of trying so hard to achieve perfection. Im happy with where I'm at, who i know and what I've done....theres nothing else that I need to change and/or work on.

I love my life!!!

So ironic...

I start the day with a phone call that lasts over an hour with somebody that I care about more than I should...and I end the day with stupid messages from somebody that I probably shouldnt have been friends with in the first place.

Its funny to me, how life works...you grow up...you accept responsibility for the things that happen in your life, you get hurt, you fall in love, you lose people that mean more to you than anybody could ever understand...its like this circle...neverending.No matter how hard I try, I dont think I'll ever get out of it. Somedays I'm happy, other days I'm confused and angry, most days I'm just content and happy Im alive and here to complain about all this.

I have the most wonderful boyfriend in the entire world. He doesnt spoil me, doesnt buy me things, doesnt surprise me and he flat out honest with me no matter what. I dont want to be spoiled, because then I will come to expect it and live a life of expectations in love. I will marry him. Hopefully sooner, than later. And I cant wait for that day.

I have a family who loves me and worries about me...a little too much. My dad is more selfish than he has ever been and I think only now am I getting it, because I'm old enough to understand what being selfish as an adult means. He has a new life and a new family to take care of and not enough time for me, his only daughter. I wonder if he will have time to walk me down the aisle on my wedding day...he'll prolly be there but attached to his cell phone and complaining the whole time..awesome.

I miss my past. When I used to basically live at Bretts house, or Allisons house, or Aunt Lynns house...and none of us had to worry about arguments, bills, or deaths of our friends or family. When some of us didnt have to care about people our age having alcohol addictions or drug addictions, or in jail or homeless...who would think we would have to face these issues at such a young age. Life hit me so fast..and if I dont keep up and I dont feel like I'm impressing every person that I'm surrounded by...then it means nothing to me.

I start school in less than 3 weeks and I couldnt be more excited...I'm doing this for me, and i'll be getting those A's for my family and friends that think Im wasting my time...

I can't wait.

So, I've decided to start this up again...for real.

I tried to start a hand written journal but Im just to lazy for that and not so creative, because I wanted it to be all cool like..and its just not. Lol.

I'm just gonna go with this, and hopefully in 5 years, Livejournal will still be around and I can come back and laugh at all the bullshit in my life at this time.

Which I should just be doing now...but thats not how its supposed to be is it now?

Well, I'm really tired and sore from training at the gym, so I just wanted to get in a little hello! I will write more about my oh so dramatic life when I have more focus...

Choos.

wow...

livejournal...i havent been on here in what seems like forever, but it seemed to always help when i would jus sit here listening to sad music and typing everything and anything that came to my mind...of course, if anybody reads this anymore, it'll prolly start drama...yes..its still going on...and honestly i really dont care...

im still in the same position as i was last time i updated...things are shitty..lol. it seems as tho they are never going to get better..i sit and i think about all the stuff taht i need to take care of and it breaks me down to tears...then i wake up the next morning, settle down and take it one step at a time...things will get taken care of, things will get settled...life is not all that difficult when u look at the big picture of things...

im still madly in love with ken...we are no longer together, but my heart will always always belong to him, no matter what...now is not the time for us to be together, and i think we've both realized that, we both see..well at least me for sure, that we cant handle what was happening to us, so we let it go...and i wanna work on the friendship with him before anything else happens...i still see my self marrying him and my family will always adore him, but theres other things that we need to take care of in our lives right now...and i'm completely ok with that.

as for all the other people in that group of friends,they can screw themselves...theres a select couple that im fine with bc im starting to realize they are the real friends who actually admit to talking shit behind my back..the others jus blame it on somebody else, or lie about it...im done with that all. Hows that being a friend at all? To anybody...look in the mirror for once, its not about how much u spend on somebody or how much effort u put into helping them...when somebody tells u something in confidence, and u go and let the whole world know when it has absolutely NOTHING to do with them...its gonna piss a couple people off and ur gonna lose that trust that u had...

ur loss. i really dont care.

moving on.

i really dont have much else to say.

Justin. A good person. Made me happy for a short period of time and taught me and is still teaching me a lot of lessons. i wanna cry at the mention of his name bc he has affected me so much, but I have to let go. It wasn't going to go anywhere good and I wasnt about to let him risk it all. I thank God for putting him in my life tho. It was definitely something i needed.

ok thats all. im done.

Not to sure what this entry is gonna be about, but i've been in this weird state of mind for about a week now, and i just cant seem to settle my thoughts...

im at a halt with so many things in my life...my relationship, my faith, my job, my friendships, my family..everything. Its something i've tried to push aside and just deal with, but at some points during my day or my week, i feel like i dont want to be part of any of it anymore, i want a brand new life, bc nothing in my life right now makes me happy...

i'm not depressed. to say the least. i'm just sick of the same old things, the same arguments, the same mistakes, lies and excuses, the ritual of things at my job, the not having anybody to really and truly turn to, and feeling like i'm still not good enough for my family. I just wanna be good enough. I feel like thats my whole point in life, is just to impress my brother and my mom...and to actually be that girl that kenny fell in love with two years ago..not the girl he needs to lie to, or cheat on just bc hes afraid of what may come...

i've put myself in situations i cant get myself out of, i've never once thought of moving away from certain things, but i'm stuck with as to where i wanna go with this one...im so torn, bc i'm so hurt by some of the things that happen or have happened and i dunno if it will ever change.

why cant i just bring myself to walk away from the pain and the hurt? and give myself better...bc i know its not impossible to find. and i will make it through.

i've hit rock bottom before, i'm not gonna go back there, and i'm nowhere near that point now, but i feel like if i give up certain things that i will hit it hard and have nobody there to pick me up...do i really need somebody to pull me up tho? i'm 22 years old, i've made it through most of my life on my own, with little help from my parents, and disapproval from my brother...sooo whats the difference now?

blah, i need to go to bed.

Soo...

It's been awhile. But i've had a weird few days...just been thinking alot.

I had two weeks off of work and it was really nice. I stayed with Kenny the whole time and we had a really good time, we argued, which was expected, but we had good endings. We talked through a lot of stuff, and it was just nice. I love him so much...its rediculous.

After new years, which wasn't all that great...and a few other random events of the past year, i've come to realize something, that in one way, isnt as bad as i make it sound, but also just sucks to realize. During the past year or so, i've left a lot of my friends behind, bc of disagreements, or the realization that if i keep a certain person around, i won't ever get outta this 'drama phase' in my life. Not saying that anybody specific ever caused anything, but some of the people i was with, we just didn't click as good friends and i couldnt handle it anymore. Some friends just stopped talking to me, for whatever reason, and i wasn't ever that sad, right now i'm not even that sad, but when i took a step back after new years, i realized, i no longer have anybody. I have Ken. Which i will never complain about, hes the best friend anybody could ever have...but I have like three good friends that are always there for the phone calls at 2 am, or the million text messages a day without complaint...i no longer get a phone call from ten different people in one day, wanting to do something or wanting to see whats going on...

Its shitty. But also, i have to look at it like Tyler explained it, i dont work at a place where i can hang with my coworkers, i'm 22 and not in high school anymore, i'm kinda happy to say that i dont hang out with every single person i hung out with in high school, bc i wouldnt feel like i was getting anywhere in my life, no offense to those that do that, but if i was still stuck in rochester, i'd be miserable. I know it. So i guess in exchange for friends, i took the moving up and out choice...i was jus sad yesterday bc i feel like the people that i thought i was close with over the past year or so, want absolutely nothing to do with me. Which i dont get. I've done nothing but want to hang or want to do dinner or have a sleepover...

I really dont know...just dont get it.

Everything else besides that is great. Ken and i are good. Obviously u know that already. My job is going awesome. I love it to death. I'm getting another new phone shortly. I'll give u the number if i want to. lol.
Cut my hair all off...short. FAmilys good. Christmas was ok. Valentines day is coming up and i'm very excited!!

Thats all. Love u bye.

Entry filled with great news...sooo here we go!

My birthday is tomorrow!!

I'm moving to Bloomfield Hills!!

I'm getting a brand new car!!!

I'm getting a new cell phone! (if i love you, u'll get the number!)

I'm throwing away half my life today...thats a good thing. Believe me.

It's snowing outside! Lame for October, but i love it when it first snows! Sooo pretty!

Oook...so i'm selling a lot of my stuff. I have a kitchen table, with 4 chairs, wooden, in real good shape, a queen size bed, brand new, barely slept in, a desk, cd player....anything...ask me, i prolly have it and want to get rid of it!

Thats all..i'm gonna go start packing!

My life is about to change....in a big big way.

Strange how some things fall into place, when you really didn't even want them to happen...strange how some people dont even realize the hurt they are causing bc they, themselves are getting so much pleasure...i will never understand those people who won't open their hearts, or even their minds, to let the 'real' set in, or the people who are out there and don't care about anybody elses situation or problems and as long as they are having fun and getting what they want...they are perfectly content.

Lots of stuff...i'm so frustrated lately, i really need to go to Arizona...the phone calls are getting to be not enough for me....for the first time in a long time, i really feel like i just need to get out of here, yes, i am wanting to get away from some things, but i also just need to get out, i feel like this place is closing in on me and if i dont get out soon, i will go crazy...and i dont want that, bc bad things come from my frustrations.

I get to go to Ann Arbor this weekend tho, thats the closest i'm getting to getting out of here, but i'll be with friends so i'm excited.

My birthday is in one week...excited and not..bc i have no idea what we are doing and if it turns into this big dramatic thing, i will flip...i get to celebrate with paul and those friends tonite, i'm excited!

I dunno i just needed to get a few things off my chest...i dont have much else to say...

don't really care who reads this, not a lot of people are into this thing anymore so i'm not sure anybody really will take the time to read through it...i'll warn you tho, it's just me bitching and if u are one of my friends that i may talk about, don't take any offense to it, i'm just sick of holding it all in my head..i hold no grudges..and am not angry...well at some people...

im sick of work. i hate to say it, but i just feel like im not gonna ever get anywhere with that job...i dont even wanna admit it bc then i feel like im failing myself again...i love actually being with the people i work with and i really do enjoy the work i'm doing, but my entire life, or well at least every job i've ever worked, i've always told myself that if im not happy i should find a job that i will be happy at. so that i did. yes, i've worked at more then a few places but why work somewhere if u absolutely hate it? im not about to drown myself in hours of work a week or day when i absolutely despise what i'm doing...theres just not a point..other then bringing urself down and setting urself up for a miserable future...
Not saying that my work isnt a place where you cant move up, there is a lot of potential for careers there and good money, but i just feel like ive been stuck in what i'm doing for to long and if i dont see any progression, then what the hell is the point of being there...ya know?

lisa, rolee and the baby left...i drove past their house today and the curtains are gone and nothing of theres is left in the yard...i literally feel really sad about it...something about that family that really clicked with me, i felt like i could be myself with them...lisa was like an older sister to me and i didnt realize it til to late in our friendship that i missed out...just because i watched their kid every day doesnt mean that i cant open up to them, and the more i thought about that i realized that i really did tell her everything, every little story about my fights with my boyfriend, or the drama with my family or problems with my friends...everrrything...and now shes gone. it sucks. nobody will get that but me...but it really does suck.

mackinaw was a ok...not at all what i thought it'd be like..so completely different from last year bc i didnt have that feeling that i needed to impress him...but that just gave me more reason to make it ok that we fight....granted we did have good talks and things were let out that have taken quite some time for even the two of us to just talk about..but still...things just arent the same anymore...

things with that...i hurt all the time, i cry a lot..i get angry a lot...i worry a lot...i dont understand what its goin to take to settle down, realize this is a serious thing, and any little thing could hurt me or break it...and it sucks..i dont wanna say certain things, but i see things that nobody knows about or that they might think that they get away with but i'm not dumb, my eyes are open all the time, i hurt bc of that, i dont understand why i feel like i will never be good enough..i never hear it, i never feel it..i dont understand..unless i ask for it, its like it will never be there, all that was lost three years ago and i hate that...so much...soooo so much...why we can't jus go back to what it was..or move on together.

i feel like i dont wanna be around some certain people anymore, or i dont ever wanna see their face or see their name on the caller id, i'm sick of immature people just acting like they are the only ones in the world, and act like they can get that love back that THEY threw away, i feel like their only goal is to make me feel like shit, well guess what its working...just leave us alone. i dont care who you are or were...

i really miss kevin. thats the only name i'm throwing out in this entry...kevin..kevin..kevin. i cant get him out of my damn mind, its driving me literally nuts..i cant sleep at nite, i dont like to be alone at nite bc i always think he is there, i dotn know why that would be a bad thing, but its really starting to take a toll on me...a big one. its been 6 monthes...god damn.

i wish i could get away by myself and just empty everything out. florida is really calling my name and i think im gonna go in oct.

maybe even be gone for my birthday...not a big deal anyway.

its weird bc im not depressed..just sick of how things are goin lately, im happy, at times and get along with life fine...i just get these moods where all i want to do is ignore everybody or at least pray to have the will power to ignore everybody...even the ones i love the most and just be by myself and try to deal..but i can't seem to do that, i love my friends to much and part of me doesnt wanna accept it so just go out and have fun...not that its some big deal anyway...or some life crisis that needs to be handled riht away..but still..i dont wanna worry like this anymore...

I'm glad that people don't ever wanna just realize what problems they have...

I'm glad my boyfriend spent all this money to get me a ring...three weeks ago and i still have yet to wear it for more then ten minutes....don't go to Rogers and Hollands. Just a reminder.

My eyes sting really bad for some reason. Don't know why.

Cool that linds and chuck come home today and i have to work all nite...

If i don't get a security deposit back soon, i will go crazy.

I wanna crash my car.

Today is going to suck at work.

I need new pictures.

I can NOT wait til we get outta this place and go to Mackinaw. Blah.

Thats all. Thanks for listening.

So...here i am..actually wanting to write in this thing..not to sure if it has anything to do with the fact that i found my old diary/journal/memory book from 2 summers ago...orrr bc i saw Allisons update and felt as if i had to do that as well.

Orrr could be bc im listening to some Ally and Aj song that makes me in the mood to write quickly. lol. Moving on.

Gramma Clubb passed away...i say that as if all of you livejournal-ers know who that is..lol. She was my great gramma...she died thsi past week and so we had the funeral stuff all weekend, i tell ya, i just dont like funerals, i dont know how the hell i made it through kevins being so strong, i think with him, it didnt hit me, til literally 3 monthes later...bc i didnt cry about it much til around his birthday..but anyways, gramma looked really good, and kenny went with me and im glad bc it woulda been weird crying on my brothers shoulder..lol. dunno why..he has a wife now i gotta watch out...so..yea..sad. But shes in a better place now so im ok with it.

This summer has been pretty damn sweet. Myspace has taken over all of our lives...but i still feel the need to write in here. Lindsay, Allison and I have been hanging a lot lately..it was a good summer, i'm sad Lindsay is going back to school tho, but Allison and have made a solemn vow to go see her a lot this year...so we'll have memories up there..not to sure how thats gonna work out for me tho..to complicated....

I went to the cemetary today to see Kevin..they put a picture of him in the glass box next to him...its cool looking, not as big as i thought it would be, but its still cool...doesnt look like the kevin i rememeber..damn i miss him.

Best buy is goin ok...i applied for the full time spot the other day...dunno if im gonna get it..i really really hope, bc i need the hours and the benefits more then anything..literally. I do. And if anybody gets in the way of that, like they pretty much already did..i'll flip out on them. :o)

Kenny and I are doing really good..he bought me pink roses yesterday for no reason..makes me smile...he bought me the prettiest ring a little bit ago but i hadda get it sized..so im just waiting for it...with no patience..lol. Its a pink sapphire with little baby diamonds on the sides...so cute. I want it back real bad. lol. Camping is just a couple weeks away..i'm real stoked. This year is gonna be so much better then last year...i just know it, paul and dd are married, ken and i are on the best terms...its just gonna be fun.

Chuck comes home soon. EXCITED! Things are prolly gonna go back to normal tho, bc all the other people that we have been hanging out with are going back to school and now he will be home and it will just be the few of us...but still it'll be fun.

Ok..well i think thats it for now. Anybody feel like taking me to go see World Trade Center, please let me know. Annnd..thats about it. I get to have a date with my hunnie tonite! I'm excited!

Adios.

god dammit...

So...i think im just in the mood to type, and im not sure what i even wanna write about...

Things have been going ok...considering the situation im in. I'm babysitting all this week, and i think i'm going back to Best Buy but ...Utica..not Roseville...to many shady people there, esp. in management. Soooo not really a big loss.

And moving on. I'm prolly moving out within the next couple monthes...not to sure what exactly i'm gonna do..zoe wants to move in with me, but she also wants to live with adam who doesnt wanna live with anybody but zoe, but still isnt sure he wants to live with her, so..i dunno..weird situation, but i'd be one extremely pleased girl if i got to move in with my cousin..type friend.

Got the bill for my class the other day and i was actually excited. lol. weird.

Can't wait to start tho. It's gonna be fun, and kennys doin' it with me, so we're gonna take a lot of the same classes...it'll be damn sweet.

I wish i lived in California. And i wish i could go on a shopping spree...cha that'd be sweet.

I love my boyfriend a lot. and i love that we make it through every thing, no matter what....can't wait for Mackinaw. It'll mean a lot more this year.

ooook...pretty sure thats it...see ya.

goin' back to schoooooool!!!! i'm actually really excited! and screw financial aid.

thats all.

sooo weird day today...

my mind was racing and i just needed to calm down so i took some time to think things through and ask for some help...and the weirdest thing happened...when i got back in the car i had voicemail from the company i've been interviewing with saying that would like to offer me the job!!! It was such good timing! And im soo excited!

Rolee and Lisa leave soon so i needed to start lookin for a new job and i'm glad i got this one bc its gonna be good, im pretty sure i get benefits and everythings, i'll find out that part monday...but i have the weekend to discuss it with rolee and them and let her know. I just need to find somebody who can babysit for the next two monthes, only during the week bc i'll do it on the weekends..its good money and a lot of fun, let alone, the easiest job ever! So if anybody is interested in making some money, let me know ASAP!

i think im goin to the carnival tonite...then its off to rochester for the weekend to take care of some last minute wedding things :o) Less then a week to go now!

I cry a lot bc of my damn brothers wedding..lol.

Let it RAIN!!!

ok bye.

Why is it that everything i seem to say or do to no matter who it is, always seems to end up in this hugeeee fight or quarrel and im the one still saying im sorry...

maybe rolee was right...

gr..

i jus wish i could get past this phase and i really wish that three people would fall of this earth, that would be great..

had my second interview today and i think it went well, even tho i felt like i've never taken an english class in my life, what kind of office assistant job needs to know about verbs and synonyms??? what...

ill find out soon enough....

sam and i had a little rondevous or whatever at the pool today, and i really feel like going for another swim...i love pools..lol...

royce loves them more then me, its so cute...

well im off to finish up my day...then start all over again tomorrow..yes.

Its been awhile...ill jus sum it up...

my brother gets married in 9 days....

rolee and lisa are moving to florida so i have to start looking for a new job...

my car is the biggest piece of shit ever and by far the worst mistake i've ever made, but i love big dave for helping me...

i love the summer and its only june...

i had an interview yesterday and i hope and think it went well...

i really miss kevin...i need to go to the cemetary...

ken and i are doing really good...better then ever...with our rough days and little fights, but what real relationship doenst have those? i love the kid more then anything...

h&m opened at lakeside, i like it....its iffy but i like it...

i need to lose weight...annnnd...im done... see ya.

hope everything else is goin well...

**so i forgot i typed all this and never posted it and since livejournal is cool, it knew i never posted it and saved it..so i'll post it along with....yay for wedding showers and getting to dress in cute little summer outfits! :o)**

So..i decide to start lookin' through my archives from this time a year ago...a year ago today, is prolly one of the best entries i've ever written, i had a lot on my mind and i jus wanted to let it out.

I'm was completely head over heels for Kenny, and still am, if not SO much more in love with him. I still have some of the best friends in the entire world, some i've lost, some i've gained...many more gained. Some have come back from the past. I still don't really know what i want out of my life, but i can still say, i know that i want the people in my life to stick around...

I ask myself all the time, where i see myself in 5 years...but the more and more i think about it..thats just a waste of time trying to figure that out. Who knows if i'll even be here tomorrow, why plan for 5 years ahead...yea, we can talk about the future and what we dream and hope will happen, but i can't sit here and write out my life to the minute, bc for all i know this could be my last day here.

I've learned so much in the past several monthes...i realized who ur true friends are...i learned to let go of the little things, and to not fight over stupid things that we will most likely forget about two or three days later...i've learned that even at the hardest times in life, its really ok to laugh and think about the good times...i've learned to live it up every single moment...DO NOT waste ur time being angry or stressed about things...everything happens for a reason and it will all be figured out...yes, be responsible and take care of things, but have fun with ur life...don't let it just pass you by.

I'm stilll tired??

This weekend was quite amusing. I finally got to see Brett, Ryan and all them..haven't seen them since Kevins funeral. Spent the day in Port Austin Saturday. That was fun to say the least. The people up there are wackos. lol.

Brett and I went and saw Kevin Saturday morning. It was real hard to do, but i felt a lot better after we left. The place he is at is amazing. I need to go there more often. I miss him a whole lot, and being around every this weekend wasn't all that easy, bc jus' keep expecting him to walk in the door...

Car is still broken, gotta wait til i get paid to take care of it. Hopefully this weekend.

Not much else to say...real excited for Cedar Point with the wedding party plus some more folks! It's gonna be real fun!

K thats all.